OR – Avatar

I held out against watching this movie while it was on its record-breaking box office run because I refused to give money to the greediest bastard in Hollywood. I had an anxiety that this was gonna be just like the guy’s other big-budget film (Titanic)…excellent visuals, everything else crap. More or less, that description is fairly accurate.

Like the plot of Titanic, the plot of Avatar is unoriginal. As Titanic was a ripoff of a 1958 classic, Avatar is Dances with Wolves set in the future on a distant planet (The critics are right.). The parallels between the films are more than noticeable…they’re quite obvious. Eh, so what? Most of Hollywood these days is recycled material anyway. The story of a humble man sent on a mission to intermingle with a misunderstood people and culture, who subsequently betrays his own, is still engaging.

There’s no denying the visuals in this movie were a spectacle. Likewise, the tree-hugging, ‘Save the rain forest’ message was strong. But these pros are distracting from the movie’s cons. The acting is atrocious, and the dialogue is really cheesy – “You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch.” (There are other very bad quotes, but that one might take the cake.)

As we all know, there are loads of people that have called this quality film-making. But wait a minute. I thought it was universally agreed that film quality derives from four basic elements: story, presentation, acting, and moral. Avatar does one extremely well, one horribly, and the other two good but ripped off from past films. That’s not ground-breaking material. It’s mediocrity with a makeover. Face it people, Avatar is nothing special, and deep down you all know it’s true.

OR – Core

The Stone Temple Pilots have a new album coming out. With that in mind, I’ll make my first post in three months about their breakthrough success. To be perfectly honest, however, their debut album isn’t very good, seriously lacking in character, range, and versatility. Though there are still some great songs that include Dead and Bloated, Sex Type Thing, and Piece of Pie. But at the same time, there some of the worst tracks STP has ever brought out such as Naked Sunday and Wet My Bed. Lead singer Scott Weilland has very little vocal range throughout this album, and the songs have very little creativity…they’re distinguishable from one another, but that’s about it – even though the openings of Sex Type Thing and Crackerman sound almost identical at first.

Core has serious faults, but I’m glad they released it for it led the way to much better material on STP’s next two albums, Purple and Tiny Music. Core is one of the duller additions to their outstanding legacy that is hopefully upheld with their new self-titled album which is now two days away.

OR – Up

I hate this movie. I absolutely despise it. It’s a perfect example of a great movie that turned to shit. The first twenty minutes of Up held great promise for what seemed to become the best Pixar movie since Toy Story.

We have two childhood friends named Ellie and Carl who have a dream vacation to explore Paradise Falls in South America. They eventually get married and keep a savings jar for their dream vacation. However, before they save enough money to go, Carl’s car would get totaled, or lightning would strike their house. Decades pass by, and as they grow old together, they never make their dream come true. When they finally save enough money for the trip, Ellie dies of old age, leaving Carl a lonely, sad, and bitter old man. In the last years of his life, he is unable to win the fight against the local court (and the local construction crew). As he is about to be evicted and placed in a retirement home, he turns his house into a flying object by attaching tens of thousands of balloons to his roof (which is kinda stupid when you think about it, but at this point, the movie is still really good). His course is set upon Paradise Falls, however, he soon discovers that he is accompanied by a boy scout named Russell.

This is where the movie begins to go downhill. Russell is possibly the worst character from any Pixar movie. He is worthless, pathetic, fat, ugly, and extremely annoying. Every time he talked, I wanted Carl to punch him in the face, and then throw him to his death. But whatever, the movie is still really good at this point…Russell can be tolerated for now. But unfortunately, the movie only gets much, much worse.

The balloons are running out of gas, and the two land a few miles short of Paradise Falls. Carl and Russell have to walk the rest of the way, hoping the house, which is now a kite, stays afloat long enough for them to get there. As they travel through the wilderness, they come across a huge tropical bird and a friendly, but worthless talking dog (sort of).

This was the point of no return…from here on, Up is excrement. The dog belongs to an evil scientist, commander of a whole army of talking dogs, who is trying to kill the bird to save his own reputation. The movie’s plot turns into ‘Carl and Russell have to protect the giant bird from the evil scientist.’ WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE HEART-FELT STORY OF CARL AND ELLIE’S BROKEN DREAM? Completely destroyed. The plot of Up went from dramatic, emotional, and darkly humerous to stupid bullshit. And the further the movie progressed, the more the bullshit piled up…to the point where the dogs not only talk, but also fly airplanes (What the fuck?).

I left the theater sick to my stomach, but what’s even worse is the ridiculous amount of much praise and hype Up has received. Is everybody on crack? I think not. What happened is everybody started assuming that every movie Pixar makes is brilliant. Sorry, but that is not true. Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Ratatouille, and WALL-E are all ten times better.

In the past week, the 2009 Academy Award Nominations were announced. If you have any integrity or appreciation for animated films, you’ll be rooting for either Fantastic Mr. Fox or The Princess and the Frog to win Best Animated Feature.

OR – Saving Private Ryan

Yes, you’ve read correctly. I am going to bash this movie. I’ll begin by saying films of this genre better express the anti-war message by showing how combat experience inflicts serious psychological damage to a man’s mind. Saving Private Ryan, rather, expresses it by showing the extremely violent nature of warfare. Throughout the movie, we see men getting incinerated, we see men getting blown to pieces, we see it raining blood on Tom Hank’s shell-shocked face. Wow, after watching it, one must seriously feel for the WWII veterans. But where is the sense in watching it over and over and over again? (This movie seriously lacks rewatchability.)

The movie has a basic, but good story: Eight U.S. soldiers are set on a mission to find one soldier who has lost all of his brothers in the war. However, the movie’s scriptwriter could not have created less interesting characters. Tom Hanks, as Captain Miller, is extremely boring. He’s a teacher, he likes baseball, and he wants to go home – that’s essentially it. The other characters are the same way, only on top of their lack of personality, they’re either assholes or they’re whiners. Edwards Burns’s character (Riben, Rivan, something like that) he’s boring, an asshole, and a whiner. I was rooting for him to die. Ironically, he’s one of the few who lived. As for James Francis Ryan, the subject of the mission, he starts complaining as soon as he’s told he’s leaving the war and going home…showing no regard for his three dead brothers. Bottom line…the characters really sucked.

At this point, I hear voices asking me “So what? What about the battle scenes? Don’t you realize that all the horror, the massive bloodshed, the men getting blown to pieces…Don’t you realize that actually happened in World War Two?” No shit. I’m a history major. Of course I know that really happened. But that does not automatically mean it makes a film great. If you did not know that happened before you watched Saving Private Ryan, then you are naive. And if you didn’t know that happened in every other war since the beginning of mankind, then you are really, really, really naive. This movie was only the first to display it on film.

1998 was not a good year for movies, and many would say Saving Private Ryan should have won the Academy Award for Best Picture. For a while I agreed because it is still a well-made film, and I don’t really dig Shakespeare in Love. However, I’ve come to realize that BASEketball beats the shit out of both of them.

What bothers me is that ever since Saving Private Ryan, almost every war film tries to be like it…and they all miserably fail. I watched roughly the first third of Flags of Our Fathers, before I stopped because it was so bad.

Some better films than Saving Private Ryan of this genre include:
Full Metal Jacket, Paths of Glory, Platoon, Band of Brothers (miniseries) The Deer Hunter, and Apocalypse Now (probably the best one ever)

Movies where Tom Hanks plays a more interesting character:
Bachelor Party, The Money Pit, *Big, The ‘burbs, *A League of Their Own, *Philadelphia, *Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, *The Green Mile, Cast Away, *Catch Me If You Can, *Road to Perdition, The Terminal, and *Charlie Wilson’s War

*definitively a better movie than Saving Private Ryan

Better movies than Saving Private Ryan directed by Steven Spielberg:
Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark – which is hands down, his best, Poltergeist, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Jurassic Park, Schindler’s List, Amistad, Minority Report, and Catch Me If You Can.

OR – The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

In my first post about a videogame, I’m afraid I have to do some regrettable, but necessary Zelda bashing. I love this series, but Twilight Princess, while still worth an 8 out 10, is the worst console Zelda game since Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link.

The strong points…The graphics look great. The dungeons were well-crafted and the multi-layered design for the overworld map was exceptionally good (even though it’s only a more expansive version of Ocarina of Time). The quest is epic, but still worth playing through. The use of the Wii remote added a fun interactivity to the gameplay. For example, to swing Link’s sword, you have to swing the remote. And you have to point it at the screen in order to use projectile items.

And now for the weak points…First of all, the story took elements from A Link to the Past. The two games have numerous recurrences: two parallel worlds, Link transforming into an animal when he enters the evil one, the magic mirror that allows him to travel from one to the other, battling not only Ganon but also a right-hand man (Agahnim and Zant). While the story borrowed from A Link to the Past, other elements including the overworld map, the quest itself, horse riding, and a reliable guide (Navi and Midna) borrowed from Ocarina of Time. The acquired sword techniques made Link way too powerful. Consequently, the fighting in the game was too easy and too boring…even the boss fights were a joke. The game also takes way too freaking long to complete. I was glad to beat it, but more glad that it was over with.

Twilight Princess was still an overall decent game, but it did not add anything new or exciting to the series. It’s just a watered down version of earlier, but much better Zelda games.

UR – BASEketball

BASEketball is one the all-time greatest sports comedies, cleverly balancing absurd humor and satire. The movie’s introduction explains how player trades and teams moving from city to city led to a decline in the popularity of professional sports. After a while, fans stopped caring, eventually leaving professional sports all but absent in American society. But hope is revived when two losers, Joe “Coop” Cooper and Doug Remer (played by South Park creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone) invent a sport blending baseball and basketball. Their new sport, BASEketball, quickly gains local popularity. With the help of sports legend, Ted Denslow, BASEketball goes to the national level, forming the National BASEketball League (NBL). Under league rules, players cannot be traded, teams cannot change cities, and teams and players cannot seek profit from corporate sponsorship (starring in commercials, creating clothing lines or shoe products, etc). Ted Denslow owns the team Coop and Remer play for, The Milwaukee Beers. Unfortunately, he chokes to death on a hot dog during the fifth Denslow Cup, in which the Milwaukee Beers lose to the Dallas Felons. Ownership of the team passes to Coop, but it would pass to his late wife, Yvette Denslow, if the Beers lose the next Denslow Cup. The Dallas Felons owner, Baxter Cain, schemes with her to ensure they lose. If the Beers lose, Baxter would informally control the NBL, and pass new rules allowing BASEketball to be commercialized. It’s up to Coop, Remer, and their sidekick friend Squeak Scolari, to win the championship, or see their invented sport destroyed.

BASEketball is filled with funny dialogue, silly situational humor, and hilarious psyche-out scenes. However, the film’s greatest attribute lies in its criticism of the over-commercialization of American sports. It parodies the negative aspects to this commercialization which include excessively greedy owners, corporate sponsorships, never-ending league expansion, incredibly long postseason play, extravagant half-time shows, and extremely slutty-looking cheerleaders. This movie isn’t only meant to be funny, but it also tries to get people to rethink the role of professional sports in American culture.

To all you people who thought this movie was just over-the-top stupidity, YOU’VE JUST BEEN PSYCHED OUT.

UR – The Killing

Some call Stanley Kubrick the all-time greatest filmmaker because he has produced a masterpiece in every movie genre. While many of his films are excellent, they are usually boring (2001: A Space Odyssey); emotionally exhausting (Paths of Glory); or hard to digest (A Clockwork Orange). On the other hand, The Killing is exciting and very easy to watch, while epitomizing what a Crime/Gangster film should be.

Here’s the basic premise: An ex-convict named Johnny Clay, just released from jail, puts together a gang of crooks to rob a racetrack. However, one of the gang members, George, gradually rats out information about the heist to his rotten, greedy, deceitful wife Sherry. She schemes with her lover Val to rob the gang after they they’ve robbed the racetrack. The questions in your mind as you’re watching are: Will the heist at the racetrack even succeed? What will the confrontation be like when Val and Sherry show up to take the money? Watch it and find out. You won’t regret it.

Interesting fact – During the robbery scene, Johnny Clay is wearing a clown mask to hide his face. The opening scene of The Dark Knight directly steals this.

Cinematically, The Killing may rank about 4th on Stanley Kubrick’s filmography, but in excitement and rewatch value, The Killing shines brighter than all of them.

OR – Superbad

This movie definitely gets way too much praise. I enjoy this movie, but there are lackluster elements. The major problem of the movie is the main characters of Seth and Evan. They are not believable. From what is known, their friendship is a lot of sitting in their bedrooms playing videogames. In the beginning, a gang of kids are bullying them. At the lunch scene, they aren’t sitting with any other friends becasue they don’t have any. They hang out with Fogell to make themselves look better. They lie to the girls they want to have sex with to make themselves look better. THESE KIDS ARE NOT COOL! Evan is just a boring, nerdy asshole. Seth is just selfish, obese, obnoxious, and ten times the asshole Evan is. But somehow, they are still liked by the girls they want to have sex with. Another problem with the film is the bad dialogue. This is an actual quote from the movie: “I had such bad acne last year that I pretty much, became like an expert on the stuff.”

Still, as I said, I enjoyed the movie because it did have a nostalgic feel. But most of the enjoyment came from the scenes with the cops and Fogell. As for the Seth, the unfortunate things that happened to him are much funnier than his character. For example, him getting caught with his dick drawings, getting hit by a car twice, and getting a baseball bat thrown at him. As for Evan, he was just boring, and he didn’t do very much.

It really bothers me when I hear this movie referred as ‘Superawesome’ or ‘Supercool’ because it isn’t. It should be called ‘Superoverhypedhighschoolcomedythatlooksbetterthaneverything else.’ It’s been called the quintessential teen comedy of this generation. You know what? It’s true, because it has no competitor. Superbad is much better than these awful teen comedies from recent years: Eurotrip, Napoleon Dynamite, John Tucker Must Die, College, and The Perfect Score.

I’ll conclude by saying Superbad looks really, really good next to these pieces of shit. But here are some high school comedies that are much better than Superbad: Risky Business, The Breakfast Club, American Pie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Pretty in Pink, Say Anything, Wierd Science, American Graffiti, 10 Things I Hate About You, Better Off Dead, Sixteen Candles, Dazed and Confused, and Can’t Hardly Wait.

UR – 2009 Minnesota Vikings

The Minnesota Vikings’s game on Sunday afternoon was the most lopsided NFL game that I watched since the Eagles beat the Cowboys 44-6 in week 17 of last season. They improved to 10-1 by completely crushing the Chicago Bears 36-10, outgaining them by almost 400 yards, and leading them in time of possession 41 minutes to 19. As I was watching, I was frightened by the fact that they were destroying the same team the Eagles struggled to defeat the week before.

About an hour ago, I watched the New Orleans Saints finish off the Patriots 38-17 to improve to 11-0, clinching the NFC South. It was one of their biggest wins in franchise history, and now, it seems that they are in control of the NFC.

But it also seems New Orleans will have to beat Minnesota on their road to championship, and right now, I would pick Minnesota over them. Why? Because Minnesota is more balanced. Statistically, they are ranked in the NFL top 10 in almost every offensive and defensive category. Led by the veteran, Brett Favre, their offense is loaded with young talent, while their defense looks better every week. On the other hand, I think the Saints’s defense is vulnerable. They can be scored on. Four times they have given up 27 or more points this year. To beat New Orleans, it would take constant pressure on Drew Brees, and a balanced offensive attack on the ground and through the air. New England may not have been up to the challenge, but I think Minnesota can do it. Should there be a showdown between these NFC powerhouses, it would be in the playoffs, as they are not due to meet in the regular season. But as of right now, I’m predicting the Vikings to win the NFC championship. If they start to show signs of weakening or if I change my mind, I will take down this post.

UR – Rome

HBO’s Rome is one of the best TV series to premiere in this decade. This historical drama covers the ancient civilization’s transition from Republic to Empire. In the Late Republic, Rome was plagued by domestic troubles which led to competing military dictators and civil wars. Starting around 52 B.C, the pilot covers Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul, which would become a catalyst for civil war against his political rival, Pompey. Over the course of the show, we see the major political figures from the era including Caesar, Pompey, Marc Antony, Octavian, Cicero, and Brutus. However, the real focal point of the show is the chemistry between two fictionalized characters, Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo. Vorenus is honorable, virtuous, volatile, and a devout soldier and family man. Pullo, on the other hand, can be very immature. He chases whores, starts fights, and breaks laws. The two meet each other under very hostile conditions while serving in Caesar’s army, but over time, they become close friends. While these commoners try to pursue their own private lives, they always find themselves playing influential roles in key historical events of the time.

The show gives an overall accurate view of Roman history and culture. We see the historical side through the patrician characters, the cultural side from the plebeian characters. No, not every historical event is depicted with pinpoint accuracy, but the basics are true and well-emplaced within a series that is equally dramatic as educational.

The show was cancelled after two seasons…perhaps due to its high production costs, perhaps because it was popularly overshadowed by other HBO series. Or maybe it was because its fan base wasn’t large enough. I don’t understand why. It has lots of sex and violence. What more could people want?